Mar 18, 2020by tracey Comments

It is very uncommon that I am at a loss for words.  And for days I’ve kept thinking I need to sit down and write a blog.

Then I just lie on the couch and skip back and forth between CNN and MSNBC.  A very unhealthy habit. And one Glenn gets after me for.  The last two mornings I have been getting up an hour ahead of him and taking Wally into the den to sneak watch Morning Joe. I don’t want to have to defend my habit to anyone.

I have tried to do all my healthy list of activities, the ones I so flippantly tell others to do either here or on Instagram. I do meditate, but my mind keeps stepping off the train, as one of the teachers on Insight Timer says, when you start thinking about things like your 401K when you should be focused on your breath.

I have tried to exercise. The one set of workouts I recommended kind of suck. I am canceling my subscription tomorrow. I do @exhaleondemand, but I’m not good at working out alone in my room. I never have been. So what should be an hour ends up being a half-assed thirty minutes.

Glenn and I decided to go to the gym in our building if after checking with the doormen we found out no one had been in there. So I did that yesterday. I was happily de-stressing on the bike and listening to a podcast when a young girl walked in.  She hadn’t even made it to the elliptical and I was off the bike and out the door. And between you and me I had never seen her in the building before. So I don’t know what that was about.

I felt it was the universes way of telling me I was meant to spend my days with Jake Tapper and googling SBUX stock price.

Truth is I’m finding it very hard to focus on anything other than what feels like the free fall of our entire society.

I could politicize this but what is the point?  Oh, I guess for me the point is, what the hell did we think would happen?  You can’t put someone in charge of…oh never mind. Complete the sentence as you choose.

You see, it’s better for me not to write when I’m not in the mood.

I don’t want to be in the city, but I am nervous about being out in the country away from certain things I don’t think one can get there. The world is locked up no matter where you are. It’s a very white privilege problem. I am well aware. Tens of millions are out of work and I’m worried about the fact the South Hampton hospital sucks if I get coronavirus.

Last night I was well into my ninth hour of the never-ending news cycle when one pundit said just figure out where you want to spend this epidemic and stay put. You have twenty-four hours to make up your mind.

If it had been a nineties rom-com she would have popped out of the TV and sat on the edge of my bed. She was talking only to me.

Perhaps I am losing my mind in all of this.  Perhaps with every share of stock, a brain cell dies with it.

And then I go insane that I can’t help the people who need it. I can only give money, which I do while I’m watching the news. While the stock market drops another two thousand points. I figure fuck it, people need to eat. People need to pay their mortgage, this was just my back up plan. Most people don’t have a backup plan. I wonder if they will have any iced coffee in Sag Harbor. My mind holds many thoughts at once and I’m not sure that is a good thing.

Then I start getting super upset I can’t help people in a hands-on way. I get white privilege guilt. You know what it’s not that. I am selling my self short there. Selling short that takes me back to the market. No, keep on those in need. I have always been empathetic and spoiled. They can exist side by side.  I have tried to give back. But now what? What to do?

I can’t go to deliver food to people. I can’t work in a soup kitchen. I can’t be exposed. It’s selfish.  But even the health care workers are getting sick as the government has not provided the necessary equipment. There I go back to the Trumpers.

And then the fucking  TESTS. THE TESTS. How is this America??? America does not have as many tests as South Korea. How is that possible?   I accept they beat us at sheet masks.  But not at medical tests. Not at organization. But of course, they do. We have a president who does not believe in science and ignored this for three months.

You see I think it finally hit home – so many things have hit home and it’s like the tsunami that follows the earthquake. For three years we’ve had endless little earthquakes, and now we’ve got the tsunami.  It shows us how broken our health care system is. How inept our Federal Government is.   It shows us what most of us knew that once he was faced with a real disaster he would only make it worse.

Most of the people reading this are in the lucky camp, we have insurance, we have doctors we can call. We get tested for things we need to be tested for. But now we are all faced with the inadequacies of the system as a whole.

It could have been avoided.  That is what keeps reverberating in my head. Any fourth grader would have been able to figure out the right steps. You see my brain is all over the place. Freefall. Freefall. Freefall.

I know I was once a glib, funny girl who took cool trips and wrote books and movies. Now I just prattle on about how much I hate Trump.

But we are in a free fall. All of us together. Some of us do have safety nets. Of that, I am totally aware and grateful.

But so many do not and their free falls are going to end with a thud and some may not be able to get back up again. And those free falls are going to affect our society in so many ways for so many years to come.

And I worry about them. I worry about them a lot.  So then I go on some site and send some more money. I don’t know what else to do.

I hate not knowing what to do. I hate to feel impotent. I have prided myself on having answers, being able to help people when needed and work through problems.

And now I’m just locked in my apartment with Lucy, Glenn and Jake, Rachel, Anderson, Don, Chris and now Andrew.

And how about when Andrew and Chris talk about who their mom loves more. That is the highlight of my day. And you know I think the democratic party has found a new hero. One good thing out of this Andrew Cuomo has kicked ass.

Freefall. Freefall. Freefall.

We are all in for a long haul. If you run out of flour Lucy has enough here to start a bakery so DM me.

I feel awful I am away from my daughter and my mother. I feel trapped I can’t jump on a plane and go home to California.

New York stopped feeling like home about two years ago and this is the final nail in the coffin.

Wally and I just took a brief walk to the bank. We had to get out. I couldn’t look at Pence on TV. Glenn had taken over controlling the remote.

The eight blocks between our apartment and the bank were one vacant store after another. The ones that had been open two days ago were now shuttered and most of them had removed all their merchandise. I guess they are afraid of looting.

It all felt surreal, me in my mask and gloves and endless alcohol wipes with Wally trotting along beside me. The line at the bank was spread out. Everyone six feet from the other.

When people see me with my mask they assume I have the virus and keep about a twelve-foot distance which is just fine with me.

Now back in the bunker and heading back to the TV. I know it’s not healthy. I know people will write in and say stay away from the news. But I am an inquiring mind and right now our futures depend on knowing all we can to protect ourselves.

Stay safe all of you. Stay inside. It’s hard. But just do it. And if you want to watch the news all day like me, do it. This is your lockdown  – do what makes you feel less stressed.

And now you have had a brief stroll through the inside of my mind these days.


Maybe I should have skipped the blog. Too late.