This is an idea that has been nibbling at me for some time. Glenn and I spend a lot of time observing far too many truly unhappy couples. Now, I want to take a moment out, I am talking about A LOT of couples. So if you think I am talking about you, it might just be a case of you’re so vain you probably think this blog is about you. Or perhaps I am and you may need to reassess your choices and how and why you got to where you are, and more importantly why you allow yourself to stay. And while you might know who you are trust me no one reading this has a clue.
MISERY LOVES MISERY
This is an idea that has been nibbling at me for some time. Glenn and I spend a lot of time observing far too many truly unhappy couples.
Now, I want to take a moment out, I am talking about A LOT of couples. So if you think I am talking about you, it might just be a case of you’re so vain you probably think this blog is about you.
Being unhappy is one thing, perpetuating it is another. Lot’s of us make the wrong turn in life; god only knows I have plenty of times. But I do believe that we owe it to ourselves and those we love who might be traipsing along on our unhappy journey with us, to perhaps stop and maybe think up some ways to get ourselves into a better place.
Being unhappy is truly a terrible thing. There are situations where it cannot be avoided, during those times we just have to muddle through until time and a change of luck come our way.
But, but there are situations where we have much more control than we think we have. We can change the course we are on whether we chose it or not, whether we think people might think badly of us or not, whether we may think badly of ourselves our not. Choosing to be happy is never the bad choice, unless you are really hurting someone in the process and I know in personal relationships this can be sticky. There are ways to make your life work and not destroy someone else’s in the process.
Though I have a theory, if one half of a couple is suffering, the other is too; they just aren’t brave enough to face it.
The first step is actively admitting something isn’t working for you.
Listen, nothing is as bad as a bad marriage, I’ve been there, I thought being 30 and single was dreadful, it was heaven compared to being 35 married and miserable.
I know endless couples who don’t speak, don’t have sex and I don’t mean for a month I mean for a decade or more and I am talking about lots of people.
I am not willing to live my life that way. I wasn’t when I was unhappy and while it did take me longer than I would have liked, I did eventually leave.
I have so many friends who I look at and yell “Get out.”
Every day you are unhappy is a day you are not happy and as simple as that may sound, many people do not get it. It’s very interesting most people have the same response, “I’m stuck.”
“I’m staying for the kids.” That one is a big waste, as kids living with two miserable people are a whole lot unhappier than kids living with one or two people who may not be together but are at least present emotionally where ever they are.
When you are not happy you are not present, not in the real way. Which is one of the reasons people say they are stuck. Stuck is the inability to move forward, you feel trapped, like you have no choices and it only adds to the despair.
And then with many couples who find themselves in this situation, there is one who wants out and one who is willing to trundle along in the land of gloom.
That is I think when misery truly loves misery.
There are couples and I truly believe this, where misery just loves misery. It’s what it knows, on some deeper level it often thinks it’s what it deserves, or the old “devil known” adage comes into play.
But I know couples who have just settled in for a good four to five decades of hell. Separate rooms, separate lives, separate remotes.
Not a good way to go. It may sound trite but life is short.
I can’t tell anyone how to leave a bad situation other than just do it. It’s scary; one often fears the next situation will be just as bad or worse. This is seldom the case if you have learned your lesson in the first go round.
I spent five years driving around Los Angeles trying to figure out how to escape. I spent so much time trying to figure it out I got more lost than I already was. I think I was just buying myself time, which really only turned into more time to be unhappy.
One day I just woke up and set a deadline to leave and like most of my deadlines, I made it. And the amazing thing is it was so much easier than I had ever imagined and what I had feared might be the stupidest move I could make turned out unequivocally to be the smartest.
So choose happy, only you can, no one will do it for you. Because while misery may like company, company seldom really wants much to do with misery.
