wish I could write about today in the way I had planned as up until 7:15 I had a truly extraordinary Face-to-Face book day. But it has ended on a note that is so mind bogglingly dreadful that I fear if I write the good it will be sullied by what the evening has wrought. I will try and recreate it for you as best I can.

The Wonders and Horror of the Day

Oct 2, 2010by tracey Comments

I wish I could write about today in the way I had planned as up until 7:15 I had a truly extraordinary Face-to-Face book day.  But it has ended on a note that is so mind bogglingly dreadful that I fear if I write the good it will be sullied by what the evening has wrought.
I will do the crib notes of the good stuff and then give the three wonderful friends and two of their spouses I spent time with today a full blog with photos on another day next week.

I want them to have the light and loving Tracey write about them, not the hurt and angry one.

I did start the day a tad late as I am on a tight schedule and trying to see as many people as possible so I was running a good twenty minutes behind all day. It didn’t bother Matt Mosby who I stopped and had coffee with in Ventura.  I have lots I want to talk about in terms of Matt, what he does, how good he is at it and how I am going to be using his expertise a lot when I start promoting the book.

He is the most knowledgeable person I have ever encountered when it comes to supplements. His website GOASKMATT.com is a must for all and I will be revisiting my visit with him when I pick up this thread again.

But is was great to see him and his derson, that is dog/person Riley. Riley sat with us for breakfast and chewed through her leash.

Matt Mosby of GOASKMATT

I then hotfooted it to my old friend Cynthia Bacon’s house. What a treat that was, she and her way cool husband Kicker live on a gorgeous hunk of land overlooking the Santa Ynez Mountains. She had not changed a day, and we picked it right up where we left off. She is so happy, when you re – meet someone after so much time and find them in exactly the place they should be with the person they should be with and they just exude peace and tranquility it’s a wonderful thing to see. I have always adored Cynthia and we go way back.

The thing that will, well, one of the things that will always glue her to my memory bank is I lost my virginity in her room. Hey, I had to lose it somewhere, Cynthia’s room was as good a place as any.

There was another kid in my class and we both decided we didn’t want to be virgins and longer so we would have sex with each other and do it at Cynthia’s. Not romantic, but practical in it’s own demented way.  I think this scheme was cooked up in French class, French does have a way of bringing that out in people. So we picked a night and we said we were all doing homework, but Cynthia and her boyfriend left and I stayed on with what today I guess would be a friend with benefits. Anyway, it didn’t take long, and that was that. The next day Cynthia said her mother had figured it out as we were not too good hiding the evidence and she said she was not running a bordello.  This caused Cynthia and me to have to spend part of our lunch hour in the library looking up the term.  Needless to say, that is the kind of friend you never forget.


Cynthia and Kicker Bacon on their ranch

I guess I am ending up writing the blog I was not going to write, reliving the love and warmth  and escapades of my friends helps erase the monstrous behavior of my father and his wife Cruella De Ville.

I told my dad I was on a tight schedule and I would be stopping by and then going out to see CJ Jackson.

After Cynthia’s I drove over to my dad’s nervous as he is unpredictable and I was late but I had told him I was running late and the only plan we really had was to have dinner at 7:30.

He did go over to the bookstore in Solvang with me. The ride was tense at least for me, he makes me tense or he has the last year and on and off my entire life; one never knows when he will blow. I was born to two of the most unstable humans on the planet.

So on the way over to the bookstore he announces he is coming to New York something he never does. He has come twice in the thirteen years I’ve been there, once for my wedding and once for his step-grandson’s; but never to see me or his grandchildren, who he never asked about today. Anyway, he says, “I’m coming to New York” and I ask “For what?” Silly me I thought maybe to see me, but no he’s gong to the wedding of someone he’s not even that close to. So my mind and heart went to the can go to Alexander’s wedding but he can never get on a plane and come see my place. But I did what I have done much of my life and stuffed my feelings and shut up. He said to save a night for dinner when he was there, I tried to get him to commit to two but he said he had to see the step-grandson.  I moved on to another topic.

I went and did my bit at the bookstore and they were very responsive. Dad kind of glanced at the book and asked if he could have one. I had actually wrapped one for his birthday this week and inscribed it, I just threw it in the trash, oh maybe I should just take it out and rip out that page, no use wasting a good galley.

So then I dropped him home and said I was going to see my friend CJ Jackson someone I adored in school and I hadn’t seen in 38 years.

CJ has always been the most adorable, warm, kind human being and he married a lovely woman named Mary.  I got there five to ten minutes late as that is the kind of day it was, running, driving from LA making two stops along the way.  None of my friends seemed to mind.

We had a glass of wine and tried to catch up on close to 40 years, we barely got into either of our lives and they were so fun and we were having such a good time, but I realized I had to get back to dad’s as he had said the only thing we had to do was be at the restaurant at seven thirty.

Cj Jackson, no relation. He’s lucky.

Now the restaurant is maybe, maybe 5 minutes from his house. So at close to 7:15 I rolled my two Rimowas in the front door aware I was late but totally on target for the res. I am very nervous about pissing my dad off as he has a nasty temper.  So I walk in and say, “Five minutes and I’m ready to roll.”  It was all I needed, to change my top, touch up my makeup throw a sweater over my shoulders and I was set. Five minutes max, I had even packed the things I was wearing to dinner on top to save time.

But I walked in the door and I could see the smoke coming out of his ears and he yelled “How dare you treat me this way, you don’t respect your father.” And I could see he was starting to go, he had clearly been egged on by Cruella, whose life mission has been to get all his birth children other than hers with him out of the big picture, if you get my drift. And she has managed, she is a scrappy little thing from Texas and no one is gong to get in her way.

And really quietly and calmly I said, “Dad, you don’t want to do this. Don’t go there. I was with someone I hadn’t seen in 38 years, I’m 30 minutes later than I said I would be, I will be ready for dinner in five minutes.”  He screamed “Get out of my house and never come back” I was stunned.  He had been a prick in the past but this was so hostile and out of line and over reacting and just cruel. I stared at him and he yelled “GET OUT NOW’ So I took my Rimowas, not saying anything , damm me I wish I had told them both to go fuck themselves once and for all. And on the way out he said  “You forgot this” and tossed my tote bag at me. At which point Cruella, not the best educated person you will meet, yells “We’ve had this for 40 years.”   Had what Cruella? I’m almost never late and haven’t seen either one of you in a year and every time I see you it’s because I schlep up to the valley to see you. I’m the only kid out of 7 who has never asked for financial help or a job. I’m more successful than all six put together. And I’m not bragging, I ‘m pissed and it’s true.

So what exactly have you had for 40 years, the fear that I might get some money you have earmarked for your loser kids???

But I didn’t say that, and many kids with step -mothers want to say that, trust me I know, they tell me. And I have wanted to say it for decades.

So fuck you Cruella and all other step – mothers who push kids out of the way. And many, many do. I not only say this for me tonight I say this for step- children everywhere who go through this. I speak for us all. And there is not a frigging thing you can do to me.  I don’t want or need your damn money and I will not be abused.

But I said nothing.  I rolled my Rimowas out in to their driveway, silently, not saying good-bye, not a word.  Totally shell shocked. I had no plans. No place to go. My blackberry was out of power.

I was fighting back tears. I didn’t want to drive back over the pass at night, I hadn’t eaten since breakfast with Matt.  I had no idea what had happened. I knew he was a hot head and capable of cruelty,  he has been cruel to me off and on my entire life. But this, for being 30 minutes late? Especially when I’m on the type of schedule I am.

I drove slowly down their long driveway and pulled over on the side of the road.  I wanted to call Cynthia but could not find her number. I didn’ t know who to call. I was sitting in my car gathering my wits when their car zoomed past me on their way to dinner. They would still make their reservation.  They saw me  and sped by.

The last number in my phone was CJ’s and I couldn’t find my glasses. I called him and told him the story.  He was truly shocked as he comes from a really loving, wonderful family. I asked him if I could come by for ten minutes or so as I needed internet connection and a working phone and somewhere to figure out my next move. I felt awful about it,  to end on such a note, he hadn’t seen me in all these years and then he’s drawn in to the drama of my twisted birth family.

But he said sure. When I got there he and Mary were eating, I went in the living room and decided to see if the hotel in Santa Barbara had a room since I was checking in in the morning anyway. They did.  Mary offered to feed me, she is so sweet, I wasn’t hungry. I needed got get on my way.  It’s a fairly dangerous road and it was dark, clearly my father did not care what happened to me. CJ did, he gave me a bottle of water and an apple and told me to be careful.   I got to the road called the San Marcos Pass, it’s twisty and turny and full of drunks but only 30 minutes to Santa Barbara. I thought maybe I might stop at Cynthia’s on the way  but the pass was closed due to a car fire, this meant I had to take 101, which turned a 20 mile journey into a 50 mile one.
My wonderful friend Maria Bushkin called me, it was with her when I broke into tears.  I didn’t want CJ to see me cry.  She talked to me for a good 15  to  20 miles  Then she called back to make sure I was OK.  Once I was off the highway I called Glenn. I had called him when dad initially threw me out.

I got safely to the hotel.

I will never speak to my father again. I am now officially an orphan. That is fine, many have it worse.

This whole blog will make my mother divinely happy, as it will give her theory that I am an unlovable and hideous character some fuel. “You see her father hates her too” she will  crow. She is about two hundred yards away, I will be able to hear her cackle when she reads it. If Taylor were here she would tell me not to post it. “It will make your  mother too happy,”  she would say. You don’t want to do that. Taylor can’t stand my mother. Neither can Lucy. The only thing she will miss about my father is Cruella’s bacon and bisquits.

But I don’t care.  There are two morals to the story I guess.. one I have known for a long time, having a child does not make you a parent,  it’s a skill and one that requires love and being able to see the other person’s side and put your needs on the back burner more often than not.

And don’t fuck with a blogger, especially one who isn’t afraid of the truth and doesn’t want anyone’s money.

No one said this journey would be smooth sailing all the way. Tomorrow’s another day. I was just in Atlanta, what do you want me to say?