IM IN LOVE WITH A GUY CALLED PAD
Like many strong attractions that come out of left field I find myself helplessly, deeply, passionately in love with a guy called Pad. His first name is a pronoun i. He prefers small case, the intellectual side of him, his inner e.e. cummings if you will. But in a totally modern I’m not what I appear to be way he spells his second name with a capital P.
I didn’t know I really wanted him until I actually held him. Love is often that way.
I bought him impulsively without thinking about the ramifications. I took him home the way one does a handsome man who catches your eye late at night in a bar. His sleek lines, smooth sound and amazing graphics drew me to him. Well, actually my kids wanted one and I thought I had to keep up.
But Pad flirted in that way sexy men do. He winked at me across the crowded Apple Store and said oh-so softly “Come on – I dare you – buy me – let me go home with you and I will take you places that you cannot imagine.” You’d think I was too old and seasoned for such a line, but I fell for it.
I wasn’t quite sure where Pad would fit into my life. I have many things like him; two Nanos a Touch and three Macs; one at the office, a laptop and one is the family’s.
I have long, established, comfortable relationships with all of them. I also have a deeply dysfunctional relationship with VAIO – never trust a man who’s name ends in a vowel; a lesson I thought I learned years ago. VAIO lets me down time and time again, on deadline, in airports, but I stick with him, at least on the road, as he fits so easily into a carry-on and he weighs in at five pounds. But then so does Pad; in fact Pad weighs less. But he packs a lot a lot in his small frame.
With Pad size really doesn’t matter.
But despite all that what could Pad deliver that the others couldn’t?
Was he merely the techno version of an extra-marital affair? Was I being whimsically lassoed in by the thought of something new and exciting?
Or would he be a constant, someone I could depend on for all my needs? No, you really can’t expect anyone to meet all your needs, even someone created by Steve Jobs.
And Pad has issues. Everyone does once you get to know them. With Pad his Wifi power is not so hot. He needs a shot of Viagra to keep the Wifi at level that can satisfy my needs.
He comes in and out so to speak.
But he has other attributes.
He’s slick. Boy is he slick and sleek. He glides into your hands right out of his little case and you don’t want to let him go. He makes you tremble he’s so sexy at that first touch.
And then you press a button and YOWZA you have a type of screen clarity you’ve never seen before. We are talking shivers down the spine time.
Pad delivers up images with such perfection it takes your breath away. He has an App called Guardian Eyewitness that has photos from around the world, god you can’t stop moving from photo to photo to photo, breathless with anticipation for the next glorious image Pad is going to reveal.
He can also take a crappy photo you took and make it look like a Penn, or an Avedon. The guy has pixel power to spare. I never knew I wanted someone with pixel power, but once you’ve had that kind of pixel power I don’t know how you go back.
He also does this thing with Google Earth, he sucks you in – I mean it – swoosh you’re embedded inside him in Mumbai, and then you move, by gliding your index finger across his oh-so-smooth surface and he transports you to London and carries you through the streets. What he lacks in Wifi power he makes up for in a certain type of whimsy and glorious, global mobility.
You can travel the world with Pad and see it like you’ve never seen it before. Up and close and personal and again with his perfect pixel power it’s all so magnificent you don’t have to leave your room. Slow and deep is the way you travel the globe with Pad. He will take you into a place centimeter by centimeter.
And what is an experience like that without background music? Well Pad can offer you that as well and without those annoying buds dangling from your ears. He also generously shows you the album covers and the print is clear and big and the liner notes are in depth. It’s not like with his cousin Touch, who really needs a new name. With Touch you need your glasses and he doesn’t always show you what you need to see.
Then of course what would a day with your loved one be without food, mais oui, Urban Spoon and any number of Apps, will show you menus, locals and phone numbers. Pad will feed you as long as you place the call and pay the bill. OK, he’s a bit of gigolo, a boy toy, but hell- he has so much going on he can get away with it. And he knows his customer will foot the bill in exchange for the pure unadulterated pleasure he gives in return.
Pad is not only fun loving he carries an address book. He knows his conversation skills are limited and you might need a friend to chat with. But it’s so simple and elegant it makes you want to take all your leather address books and kiss them good-bye. Of course we have to figure out how to get Pad to remember all the information. I think we need to just hook him up and push a few buttons, and we will, but for now he is clean and neat, waiting to meet all my contacts. He promises he won’t abuse them. He won’t skim though on his own and find someone younger or who has had more work done by Jon Turk and looks better than me to spend his days with.
Pad promises he will stay with me. He will be loyal.
While he may not get it up for Wifi all the time and he may not have Hootsuite, which makes me equally as hot as Pad somedays. He does do Facebook, Twitter , Tumblr and the rest of the gang so he has all that in his plus column; not to mention those thousands of Apps he and his family are known for.
But he can’t store my blogs, nor can I really write them on him.
When he has it up to full capacity I can see my website, but I can’t do much with it when I am on Pad. But then when I’m on Pad I’m languid and lazy, I lose my drive. I tend to only want what he can give.
And because of his splendid pixel power and considerable screen he makes a day of movie watching so easy and fun.
He’s a bit of a naughty boy, when Pad’s around not much work gets done.
Truth be told, we don’t spend much time together. I was romping with him an hour ago and got a jones to write this blog. I had to put him down. He’s actually sitting next to me, uploading new songs. Oh, how could I forget? You can shop with Pad, movies, songs, and if his Wifi is at full throttle you can go online and do serious damage. He’s like a gay male friend and a stud muffin rolled into one.
It’s been three weeks now we’ve been together.
The first week he was in the closet. I was a bit afraid of him, much like someone you know deep down could have a bad influence on your life. I avoided him for days, though I could hear him calling “You don’t know what you’re missing lady come on I promise you’ve never seen pixel like mine.”
He was right of course. But I have a full life and unlike Touch I can’t take him around town with me, he’s too big for that and I think he knows it. And when I’m home, I tend to be working, you can dock him, but I’m not sure I would. I tend to dock Touch, old habits are hard to break. His sound is clear but nothing compared to what you hear when Touch hooks up with Bose.
So Pad spends a lot of time alone, charging his battery for when I’m ready to play. He is a patient guy with low expectations, he’s all about giving and knows when I’m ready for some Barry White, where I can see the words, or movie in bed or on the train. Or perhaps I just want to caress his glassy surface and watch my photos slide by. Sometimes he’s fun to email on, not serious stuff but like Pad something light and frivolous.
I really don’t know where this relationship will go. He already has a cousin with more powerful Wifi connectivity. Do you think he’d know if I met his cousin on the sly? Sometimes I think I should have waited, but then I look at him, sitting next to me like he is now all shiny and ready for action and I know he was meant to be in my life.
I can read books on him. Though I am yet to do it. But I never like a man without a book collection and Pad has books. Of course his cousin Kindle has more, but my guess is he will catch up.
And again, with that pixel power and the caress that turns the page it makes reading on him a sensual experience. It’s just I tend to read proper books, and I watch movies on the television and I listen to music on my iPods and I work on my Macs, and have a pink Hermes agenda I can’t live without and I have a drawer full of menus from restaurants if I want to order in and I have photo books on proper paper with beautiful covers.
The question is am I techno slut or someone from another time?
Sometimes I sit and wonder is he all form and no content? But then I have to say no, he has plenty of content and he would have more if I give him the attention he deserves and uploaded it.
Then I think is merely loving him enough? Do we just need time? Will I get used to his new ways, large size and be patient with his wimpy Wifi?
Like with many relationships no matter how hard you try you cannot predict the journey nor the end. For the time being, I deeply appreciate him for all that he is and if anyone asks me about him I tell them without a moment’s hesitation, I’m in love with a boy called Pad. And honey, you’ve got to come over and get a look at his pixel.