That is indeed what it felt like yesterday when we took off to the Kessler’s Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey. I don’t want to bore you with the details but let's just say we got lost. We actually always get lost when get on anything but the LIE. I don’t get lost in California. But I have never driven anywhere in New Jersey when it didn’t take twice as long as it should - last night was no exception. And of course what happened is what happens when all couples get in a car and don’t end up where they are supposed to, we started to bicker. You can’t call it a fight, it’s a marital car tussle and I find it hard to believe all couples don’t end up involved in them from time to time. It’s actually the only time we really argue.

DRIVIN ON A PRAYER

May 24, 2010by tracey Comments

That is indeed what it felt like yesterday when we took off to the Kessler’s  Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey.

I don’t want to bore you with the details but let’s just  say we got lost. We actually always get lost when get on anything but the LIE. I don’t get lost in California.  But I have never driven anywhere in New Jersey when it didn’t  take  twice as long as it should –  last night was no exception.

And of course what happened is what happens when all couples get in a car and  don’t end up where they are supposed to, we started to bicker. You can’t  call it a fight, it’s a marital car tussle and I find it hard to believe all couples don’t end up involved in them from time to time. It’s actually the only time we really  argue.

He gets  defensive because he screws up and men hate to screw up.  I get passive aggressive because I told him where to turn off and he didn’t ‘t listen – luckily with us since we don’t fight about other things we don’t bring in and  “If you only hadn’t made me buy that house….”

Or…

“Maybe if you had something like a job that would keep you busy all day you wouldn’t have time to find some many faults with me.”  It never escalates to that. It sticks with the wife, me in this case saying…

Honey, I think that might be the turn off ahead.”

“It says exit 50C’ We’re on 48.” He says emphatically.

“But we just passed 50, darling, and the directions say get off at 50C.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I just told you.”

“Well what does it say to do now?”

“What when you zip past your exit?  Nothing pumpkin since the directions only take you  as far as exit 50; they don’t mention anything about 68 which is what we are approaching.”

Then you get the scowl. You all know the scowl.

I of course started Tweeting. This did not help the situation as he  was suffering from drivers screw up syndrome and blackberry with drawl symptoms.

I Tweeted, “My husband the genius is a dope at the wheel and we’re lost in New Jersey does anyone know their way around?”

My friend Michael Gross who BTW I helped learn to Tweet properly the day before at lunch – Tweeted back “GPS.”

Thank you Michael. Be careful who you teach to Tweet.

I love Michael and he is a wonderful writer, but telling me to get a GPS when I’m married to a man who doesn’t believe in them was not helpful.

I actually mentioned the GPS or our lack there of in our new car and Glenn said they didn’t work.  I said the only reason the last one didn’t work was because the guy in the garage stole it.

“Exactly” he said, “They get stolen and then they don’t work.”

“Of course nothing works when it’s stolen but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have one. Everyone has one.”

“Including the guy who stole ours.”

This little to and fro got us to exit 75 . So not where we belonged.

“And they cost a thousand dollars.”

Where he came up with that figure I have no idea.  You can download them for free but anyway,  this was not the time to price compare.

“Maybe we should just figure out where we are going now.”

By then we were not only late for Ryan’s Bar Mitzvah  I feared we might miss his wedding too.

Glenn announced he would “Turn around.”

“Good idea considering we were headed for Detroit.  Where do you plan on turning, sweetie?”

“I don’t know but we’re turning now.”

Thank you Jeff Gordonwitz.

“But there is a wall between the two lanes are we going to sprout wings and fly over it, snookums?’

“Fine what do YOU suggest?”

All these conversations end up with the man asking the woman what she suggests when he has no tintention of following it whatsoever.

Well since you asked, I suggest darling, that we get off and go to a gas station and ask how to get back on I78?

“And where do you suggest we get off, honey?”

“I don’t know, angel, anywhere and just find a gas station.”

“There are no gas stations.”

“Really, in the entire state of New Jersey; home to twelve MILLION people, most of whom have cars, there are no gas stations:  Then where do they buy their GAS?????”

“I do not think you are being helpful.”

“You didn’t think it was helpful when I told you to get in the right lane either, which is where we belonged to get off at exit 50 and now we’re in – WE DON’T KNOW WHERE WE ARE.”

You get the idea.

Eventually without finding one of New Jersey’s none existent gas stations, we did get turned around and he actually took my advice and  asked the tollbooth guy where to go.

See men will ask someone they run into like a tollbooth guy but they will not voluntarily pull over and ask for directions. I just don’t get that.

The toll guy told us to turn around. DUH, and how to get there, that was helpful or I would be writing this from Detroit.

We arrived late, like the last ones, like they were halfway through the service. But we made it which felt like a miracle as  it  looked pretty dicey there for a spell.

It was a lovely party and Ryan Kessler turned into a man which means many things,  including I imagine from this day forth whatever a woman tells him to do in a car he will do the opposite.

Who needs a GPS? James Joyce didn't have a GPS.
I'm getting a GPS and Salva and I are going to install it.
The Kesslers, Steve,Cheri,Ricki and Ryan. They are really good friends of ours. Actually they are the family from New Jersey in Lucky Ducks.
Steve's Dad. He's so sweet. I would let him adopt me.
Not Jersey Shore. Very pretty. All those New Jersey jokes. Not fair.
Riki Kessler. When she was little I called her Bling. I still do.
Glenn and Cheri. Glenn was enjoying himself, notice the hand.
Mother and daughter. Bling. Bling. Pretty impressive if you ask me.
I can honestly say I have never in my life seen so much food at one party. The hors d'oeuvres were insane. I mean insanely good.
This was part of them. Everyone kept saying to Steve 'I have never seen so much food."
Before dinner. And Cheri kept saying we have a great dinner and everyone was so happy with all this. I wanted to eat this. Who needed dinner?
I am very happy eating only french fries and melted cheese. Very happy.
Chinese food - before dinner. I'm a Jew so I can say this only a Jew would give you Chinese food before dinner. A WASP would give you one eggroll cut into nineteen pieces.
These were not the only shrimp. They also had scampi and two kinds of calamari. Still before dinner. Not Since Janey Siegal have I seen so much shrimp. Remind me to blog about her wedding.

Everyone is an addict!

This is Heidi. She is a pharmacist. My pharmacists Irwin and Marty do not look like this.
The flowers were gorgeous. Cheri did a great job on everything.
Ryan plays team soccer, so everything had a soccer theme. In fact the invitation was a soccer ball. Lucy has it in her room.
After all that this was dinner. You can't see the potatoes but they were a basket made out of fried potatoes filled with mashed potatoes. Whoever thought that one up should really get a prize!
Looks like he's loving his party. He should, his parents gave him a great one.

Everyone had a wonderful time.  Between this and Sarah’s wedding Glenn has danced more than he has in ten years.   Amazingly we  made it home without getting lost.

But I’m still getting a GPS.